Thursday, September 26, 2013

my inner battle

i've been wanting to write something on here for a really long time. i'll always open a page, start typing and within 30 seconds, i'm annoyed with myself. the voice inside my head. does that ever happen to you?

it's been such a whirlwind these past couple of months. i'm back in school and it feels amazing. (I'VE NEVER BEEN SO HAPPY ABOUT LIFE) i feel i have a purpose. i feel like i'm living again, like my old self is starting to come through again, with some minor changes.

so here's where i'm getting at

i've been incredibly lucky to have been given the chance to stay home and raise my baby. i know some mamas dream of doing that. staying home playing and singing and dancing and blah blah blah all day long with their babes. and sometimes i feel so guilty for telling myself, "you aren't supposed to be doing this..."

i feel so wrong for even writing that. i feel almost like my motherly instinct should be taken away from me or maybe mother nature should be yelling in my face... "how could you say that? look at your baby."

but i've come to terms with the fact and accepted this feeling.

i'm not supposed to be a stay-at-home mom.

there i said it.

it's been this inner battle with myself for almost a year now. don't misread that sentence and think i don't love my baby. i do. so much. so much even sometimes when he opens a book and pretends to read, i get tears in my eyes and my throat gets a big ball of 'oh of god, you are mine. you are mine...i can't even believe how much i love you, i just met you a year ago. come here right now, i need to kiss you.'

but i'm supposed to do more.

so this is what i'm getting to...........seriously

i'm changing the direction of this blog. i'm creating a diary for myself, a diary through motherhood. my thoughts, my fears, my hopes, and my goals. my goals for myself. to become a better friend. a better mama. a better wife. and most of all, a kinder person.

because when Ean grows up, i don't just want him to look at me as the lady who stayed home with him and played cars and read books. i want him to be proud of his mama for the other things she did. the way she finished school when the odds were against her or how she helped people who needed it the most. i want him to be proud to call me his mama.

but most of all, i want him to know how much i love him. i want him to know how much i'm trying to be my true self.

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